Tag Archives: deployment

The things you forgot you put into your fiction…

Leave a reply

I just found this in a file while doing a search for something somewhat related. After spending so much time with Pretty Much True…, there are actually times, now, I can’t remember whether something in the book happened only in the book, or whether it’s a real memory.

A lot of Pretty Much True… rings true because I used my experience to guide the fiction, but now and then I’ll be reminded of just how many little pieces of reality also became Mia’s reality. The following true (real true, not pretty much true) account was saved as a file called “guest post,” but I don’t remember who it was for or whether it was ever sent: Continue reading →

One quick thing…

2 Replies

I just wrote something very close to the following (it’s been very lightly edited for blog-worthiness) in a personal email and thought it was worth sharing here.

I didn’t write PMT only because I wanted to tell a story – I wrote it because the experience of Ian being in Iraq was so overwhelmingly … overwhelming (!) and so many other people were experiencing the same thing that I knew it was one of the sides / impacts / experiences of war that more people should be aware of. I knew it was something that would be easy for those who had never lived it to disregard unless they knew more about it. Continue reading →

Resenting the Deployed

Leave a reply

I found this search term in my website stats today:

“resenting husband for being deployed”

If you copy and paste it into a search field, one of the results to turn up is a blog post written by a woman who resents her traveling husband for spending a lot of time away from home. A military spouse comes to her aid in the comments section:

There are LOTS of things you can do!!! I’m an expert at this! I’ve been an Army wife for 12 years. We’ve NEVER lived near family (we are currently in KS and family is in FL). And, during the past 8 years my husband has been deployed to Iraq more than once (he’s there right now). So, I am a single mom for 6-12 months at a time. I have 3 kids (5y, 2y, and 6mo). Here are my suggestions…

It’s not uncommon to read/see military spouses in this role: practiced when it comes to separation, pros at living the all-but-romantically single life, independent, and happy to help others learn to be independent, too. But Continue reading →

“Honorable Discharge” by Cindy Betsinger – a short story

2 Replies

Cindy Betsinger graciously allowed me to re-post her story here.  “Honorable Discharge” was first published in 5th Story Review.  Enjoy.


HONORABLE DISCHARGE

I only had three more days to spend with them, my son, Jeremy, and his family, when he received orders for deployment.  It wasn’t that unexpected, but the timing could have been better.

Livvy was only two and had just gotten to know her daddy since he returned from the Army’s basic training six months prior.  Living on base at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina, was all she knew, really.   Now he was packing his duffle bag and preparing for the Middle East; Iraq, maybe Kuwait – he didn’t know for sure – they didn’t tell him, or so he said. Livvy had no idea he’d be a stranger once again when he came home. Almost a third of her life will have passed by then.

“Can I help you, honey?” I asked him as he carefully placed his fatigues and equipment in the bag.

“Nothing to help with, mom,” Jeremy replied. “You can see if Sheila could use you in the kitchen, though.” He didn’t look up.

I rose from the couch and walked across the living room’s tan, blasé carpeting. The two-bedroom house on base had seen better days, but Sheila had done a nice job with the place. Her natural-born talent for decorating was obvious. The silver-framed family photos on the wall complimented the refinished oak end table and wrought iron lamp she had found at a rummage sale. Potpourri-filled mason jars covered in seersucker fabric and satin ribbons were strategically placed among the house. Even the mounted head of Jeremy’s first deer kill when he was sixteen was tastefully hung on the far wall, the offending arrow strewn across its eight-point rack.

“What time do we have to leave?” I asked Sheila as I entered the kitchen.

“Well, it’s about a half hour ride to the airfield. He’s supposed to be there and ready by nine tonight, so I suppose we should take off by eight, just to be sure.”

I nodded my head as I watched her carefully chop the carrots for Jeremy’s last dinner at home.

“Can I help with anything?”

“Um, sure . . . I still need to peel potatoes and get them on the stove. They’re in the pantry.”

Livvy was busy exploring the Tupperware drawer at the other end of the counter. I picked her up under her arms and gave her an unexpected kiss on the cheek before she cried “No” and wriggled out of my grasp.

“Awww, Livvy . . . grandma just wants some lovin’,” Sheila said as she slid the carrots from the cutting board into a waiting saucepan.

“How many? Five? Six?” I asked as I began peeling.

“Better make it six. Jeremy loves mashed potatoes with his meatloaf.”

I heard a slight sizzle on the stove and looked up to see Sheila wiping her eyes with her apron.

***

The ride to the airfield was somber and with little conversation. I rode in the back with Livvy and observed Sheila rubbing the back of Jeremy’s shaved head as she gazed out the passenger window.

I unbuckled Livvy from her car seat when we arrived. As I carried her over to the hangar, Jeremy and Sheila walked arm-in-arm behind us. The interior of the shelter was huge and a hundred or more people were milling around; some in uniform, others obviously civilian family and friends. Soldiers were posing for pictures and children were running and playing.

Nine o’clock came and went and, in pure military style, notice was given that their ride would be delayed another two hours. By then, I had Livvy propped up on my shoulder and she was starting to doze, thumb in her mouth.

“Jeremy, why don’t I take Livvy back to your place and put her to bed,” I suggested.

“Okay, mom. That’s probably a good idea.”

I reached up and gave him a squeeze around his neck and a kiss on the cheek. “Take care, honey. I love you.”

“Love you, too, mom. Thanks.” He put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a hug. He planted a long kiss on the top of Livvy’s head and stroked her soft red curls.

“Can you get back okay, Sheila?” I asked.

“I’ll get a ride with Keith’s wife,” she said, nodding toward the couple across the room.

“They don’t live far from us.”

“Okay then. I’ll see you when you get home.”

I rubbed Sheila’s arm and headed out to the car. By this time, Livvy was sound asleep and totally oblivious to the fact that she may never see her daddy again.   I gently put her in the carseat, strapped her in and wrapped her blanket around her, pausing to look at her sweet innocent face. “Dear God, please bring him home safe and sound,” I whispered.

I ended my visit the next day.  American Airline’s return trip to Wisconsin was uneventful and, remarkably, on schedule.  For the next sixth months, it was my job to send weekly care packages to Jeremy and reassure his wife that I was only a moment’s notice away if she needed me.

***

I was numb the entire flight back to Ft. Bragg.  As I peered out the window before landing, I couldn’t help but think that twenty-six years is not enough time to spend with your only child before he goes off to war. It’s not enough time to prepare you for his unnatural death at the hands of an unseen enemy. And, twenty-six more years will never be enough time to explain to a little girl that the daddy she doesn’t remember is a hero.

Military Family Interviews – an Intro

1 Reply

[Click here to "like" the facebook page 'Make the Military Family' TIME Magazine's next Person of the Year']

In the interest of generating support for the idea of nudging TIME magazine into considering the Military Family as TIME’s next Person of the Year, I’ll be posting a series of interviews with individuals who are part of a military family – individuals who may or may not choose to remain anonymous.

I found in my survey of people who have had loved ones go to war that anonymity is one of the best ways to get honest answers. There’s a tendency (one I understand) to want to stand tall with a yellow ribbon on the breast when your name and face are associated with answers to questions having to do with the military and war.

“How are you holding up?”

“Oh, I’m fine. He’s the one who has to deal with the war, after all.”

“How do you think the administration is handling the war?”

“I think the Commander in Chief is doing his best and that we can all be proud of our troops.”

“What’s it like moving around as often as you do?”

“Oh, it’s wonderful. I get to experience so many cultures and see things I never would have seen had I not been married to someone in the military.”

I don’t doubt there are many people who would offer the above answers in earnest, but I also know those are often the universally accepted stock answers – even for those who don’t believe them. No one tells anyone to say those things, of course, but there is a certain tendency to want to not say anything that could be construed as critical of the service member, the military, or the experience.  Few will want to say publicly, “I’m not holding up well at all, frankly,” or, “I have strong feelings about the war,” or, “Moving around all the time is a pain. Are you kidding me?”

I don’t want anyone to give anything but the truth, whether it’s funny, sad,  angering, or inspiring. These interviews will be with real people giving real answers, and whether they choose to remain anonymous is irrelevant; the answers are the answers, and the experience is the experience. I look forward to the interviews to come and can’t wait to share them with you.

War stories’ oft neglected characters

2 Replies

Thousands of people with loved ones deployed overseas won’t be seeing it, though, even if it did win best picture. They don’t need to. The people they love are fighting in the Middle East where their real-life vehicles are blasted into the air by skillfully planted IEDs, and where they’re trying their best to survive real firefights.

This particular audience will opt for something — anything — else. Something that doesn’t entertain with explosions and dismembered limbs encased in the telltale green of military ACUs, shredded and bloodied at the point of separation. Something that doesn’t have actors fake bleeding for cameras positioned far enough away from the Iraq border to stay safe from actual danger.

Because in real life, service members are dying — you can identify them by the shapes of their boxes under the cover of American flags.

In real life, the deployed are seeing friends bleed out and turn cold. They’re coming home psychologically damaged, their families now veritable strangers, the love they once had and tried to hold onto lost somewhere between over here and over there.

In real life, the people who love the real-life versions of those wacky, on-screen sketches of soldiers spend every day knowing this could be the day they find out the person they love most in the world has just been killed. Has just had both legs blown off. Has just been rendered brain damaged by a piece of shrapnel to the skull.

Every time a new war movie releases, we’re told it’s “the most realistic war movie since [insert title here].” Having never been to war myself, I rely on my husband, an Afghanistan and Iraq veteran, to tell me how much of what’s portrayed is accurate. (He says the best he’s seen is the HBO series “Generation Kill,” but because he was in the 101st Airborne Division, he’s also partial to the World War II miniseries “Band of Brothers”).

Most war movies can seem realistic enough to those who have no experience fighting in a war. They’re even realistic enough to those of us who have waited for the person we love to survive a war. More than realistic enough. And when we’re not waiting — when the person we love is beside us munching popcorn in the theater, and we’re happy because they’re here for us to thump on the arm and tell to eat quietly, please — the war movies are all right. Even good. But something is always missing from them.

In real life, the people left waiting are a larger part of the war story. Yet, you read and see little about them. As far as the viewing audience is concerned, those left waiting are generally okay. They may have moments of fear when a battle is documented by the news, sure. But their only true horror would be finding out there’ll be no homecoming, right? Because most deployed troops come home alive.

This is true. Most do come home alive, percentage-wise.

But many don’t. And every single person whose loved one is deployed wonders daily, “Will I be the one who gets the news? Someone has to get it. Will my love be the one who dies? Someone has to die.”

When my husband deployed to Kuwait in 2003 before major operations began in Iraq, he was living in the camp attacked with grenades by 101st soldier Asan Akbar.He wasn’t hurt, but I didn’t know that until he called me several hours later.

He was supposed to have been safe. Not only had the war not even begun, but he was in Kuwait, not Iraq. Lesson learned about war: anything can happen at any time, and the chances are greater at war that something will. A mortar, an RPG, an IED, a bullet, a kidnapping, a beheading, a grenade thrown by a fellow troop. Anything. Any second.

When you sit back to watch The Hurt Locker to determine whether you agree with its Oscar-worthiness, you’ll be reminded to give thought to those doing the real-life war fighting. Please let this be a reminder to also consider the people left waiting, the ones who start mourning the moment they say goodbye to the uniformed person they love.

An explanation re: “Just don’t call me an Army wife.”

9 Replies

I should have anticipated this entry would not be well received by some military spouses. My friend, who is married to a man in the Air Force, warned me. As did Ian (the husband about to re-enter the military).

“Yeah, sure, the essay ends well…but that first part…I don’t know. People might not see past the first part.”

“But it’s positive,” I argued. “It’s a happy ending. It’s about growth and–”

“Oh, we know, we know,” they might have said in unison if they had been in a room together. “But…”

There is only one comment at the end of the blog post, but I also introduced the topic on a couple of military spouse forums because I know there are other women married to service members who bristle at being called a “Military Wife,” and who will be chastised by certain military wives (not all) for not taking pride in the title.

There is a wide spectrum of feelings about this, I discovered in the conversation about military spousedom, but the sentiments boil down largely to the following:

1. Pride for the spouse, but a lack of interest in using the Military Wife title.

2. Fine with the Military Wife title, but as one of many identifying titles (wife, mother, sister, doctor, and so on) that shape who the person is. Additionally, there is something unique about the military spouse title, or label, as those married to the military live a unique lifestyle. They move frequently, have to suffer the absence of their loved one during a deployment, and have to figure out what to do with their kids and/or  jobs when it’s time for either a deployment, TDY, or a move.

3. Being a spouse is a lifestyle choice, a job, and being the spouse of someone in the military is an incredible source of pride.

The second sentiment was the most prevalent.

What also happened is I received more than a few responses that indicated to me I didn’t do justice to what it was I was trying to communicate. Or, maybe the “before” part of the contrast used to illustrate the growth was a little too incendiary for some.

In any case, the larger message was not (for the most part) absorbed.

A few responses pointed to my having a hang-up about titles and labels, and because I spent so much time saying “Army Wife” and “Military Wife,” I can see how that happened.

The larger message in the entry – which, again, I now realize I probably didn’t communicate very well by using titles and stereotypes formed in childhood as a vehicle to take us there – is that it was a “I didn’t see the forest for the trees” situation.

Being with Ian made me see the military in a completely new way. He has a very deep respect for it, but it was difficult for me to perceive the military as anything but ho-hum-whatever when it was something I saw every day as a child. The first time I was able to truly appreciate it was when Ian took me on a tour around Arlington, and we stopped at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. I started to joke about something unrelated, and he tapped me on the arm and said, “Sh.” So I “sh”ed, and I watched, and I listened to the silence surrounding the tapping and the clicking of the guard’s shoes, and I thought about what it all meant, who the unknowns were, and the powerful symbolism of the ever-present guard protecting the tomb, his presence a constant reminder: “You’ve not been forgotten.”

And it took Ian’s leaving the military for me to appreciate the spouses and their community.

It often takes stepping away from a thing, or looking at it from a new point of view, before I can see it more clearly.

And the point is this: I’m so glad I did.

————–

Related post:

Military Spouses get candid about waiting through a deployment

.

.p

Carol’s Aquarium reviewed by POD People

Leave a reply

CAROL'S-AQUARIUM-COVER3 Minimalist at its finest…

There are quite a few stories in the collection having to do with a woman’s anxiety as she awaits the return of a man at war. I believe Ms. Tsetsi has some experience with that, and so it didn’t surprise me that it would be one the major themes explored in the work, but pining for the soldier lover is only one of many of the existential themes represented here: We also explore the issues of mortality, depression, desperate delusional love, jealousy, insecurity, envy, guilt …The themes are very pointed, and the writing is confident enough to deliver the emotional payload like a blow to the chest with a knife-blade.  – Cheryl Anne Gardner, POD People

Thanks to Ms. Gardner for taking the time to read and review Carol’s Aquarium.

(For the rest of the review, visit POD People. I hope you’ll visit frequently to check out this informative and interesting review blog.)

BACKWORD BOOKS AUTHORS DONATE FREE EBOOKS TO DEPLOYED SOLDIERS THROUGH OPERATION EBOOK DROP

Leave a reply

The brain child of Kindle author Edward Patterson, who wanted to find a way to support military deployed overseas, Operation EBook Drop began small.

In a post on the Kindle Boards – an online community for Kindle authors and readers – Patterson writes, “Today on Amazon I bumped into a soldier currently serving in Iraq who was explaining that he had a Kindle without Whispernet, but used a router to get books onto a computer and then used the USB connection to his Kindle. I suddenly had a thought (being a citizen who benefits from his service and a veteran) that I should make contact with him and gift him my entire Kindle library of 13 books. He accepted gratefully and off they went this morning in a nice 3 MB zip file. I also asked him if he knew any other service personnel in Iraq with Kindles, suggesting that other Indie authors might want to gift books to our brave men and women in the Armed forces.”

It took off from there. Indie author/publisher collective Backword Books (http://www.backwordbooks.com) jumped immediately on board and continues to offer 100% discount coupons to deployed military, more of whom submit their names daily to the growing list of troops receiving free ebooks.

Today, almost 50 independent and/or Kindle authors are donating free books to deployed military.

And Smashwords (http://www.smashwords.com), an eBook publisher and distributor that recently signed an agreement with Barnes & Noble to distribute Smashwords ebooks, has joined in.

“I got on the phone with Bill Kendrick, Smashwords’ CTO (and chief magician), and together we brainstormed how we could help take Ed’s campaign to the next level,” founder Mark Coker writes in a Smashwords blog post. “Then late last night, Ed and I spoke on the phone for more brainstorming. What began as ‘Operation Kindle Ebook Drop’ has now morphed into something much bigger – ‘Operation Ebook Drop’ – in recognition of the multiple ebook-reading devices – cell phones, Kindles, Sony Readers, laptops, etc. – people use to read ebooks.”

Troops and authors interested in participating in Operation EBook Drop are encouraged to visit Coker’s blog for instructions: http://blog.smashwords.com/2009/09/smashwords-supports-operation-ebook.html